What to Talk About When You Have Nothing in Common

You’ve probably had this experience–perhaps recently. Or maybe you’re about to have it in the coming weeks. It might be at a holiday party or a family event or while traveling on a plane. You find yourself next to a stranger, and one of you strikes up a conversation–but before long, the awkward truth becomes all too clear:

You have NOTHING in common!

HELP! What do you talk about? What do you DO?

Do you spend the rest of the five-hour flight quietly perusing the in-flight magazine? Do you excuse yourself and lock yourself in the restroom (whether you need to use it or not)? Or do you just just accept that you have nothing to talk about and, as politely as possible, move on to other potential conversationalists?

My advice is… none of the above.

I recommend that you try a novel approach: Rather than frantically search for some common ground, talk about the things you DON’T have in common.

Take a step out of your conversational comfort zone!

  • Learn about the other person’s interests–even if they’re not your own (or especially if they’re not your own–you already know about your own interests!).
  • Talk about a topic you don’t know much about–without pretending that you do! (This is where the art of asking questions becomes invaluable!)
  • Try to see how someone else might be fascinated by a topic you generally find boring.

This doesn’t mean that you’ll necessarily share their enthusiasm or start seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. It just means that you’re willing to consider another person’s perspective.

This is how your world enlarges. This is how you become less parochial. This is how you realize that “it takes all kinds of people to make the world go around”–and that this diversity is part of what makes the world such a great place. You DON’T have to have common interests to find one another of interest.

In fact, wouldn’t it be boring if we ALL had the same interests, ideas, perspectives, and experiences? It would be like the Bob Dylan line: “It ain’t no use talkin’ to me, it’s just the same as talkin’ to you.”

Of course, I’m not suggesting that you suffer through someone being rude, obnoxious, or just plain asinine. However–assuming that a person is polite and genuine, and merely has very different perspectives and/or life experiences–you might miss out if you curtail a potential discussion simply because you don’t see eye-to-eye on every point.

If you’d like to give this approach a try, here are some mental games that might make it easier:

  • Imagine that you’re interviewing them for a newspaper. Your job isn’t to judge–it’s just to get their story and their perspective.
  • Pretend that they’re a fictional character–or a potential fictional character who you’re considering using in a novel you’re writing. What matters isn’t so much whether you share their perspective, but whether they’d make a good character.
  • Imagine that you’re an anthropologist, doing your best to understand an unfamiliar subculture (such as accountants or model-plane aficionados).

Remember, you don’t necessarily have to become friends with everyone you meet. Nor do you have to develop an interest in their hobbies. (Half an hour of discussing stamp collecting might be enough to last you a lifetime!) It’s just a way to expose yourself to something different.

You can think of these conversations as mini vacations: You “travel” to a foreign land, where you encounter unfamiliar customs and/or styles (and/or interests, ideas, etc.). You do your best to understand and hopefully enjoy those who you meet.

But you (probably) don’t end up moving to this country. You’re just visiting.

At the end of the vacation, you come home. You return to what’s familiar, what you know and enjoy. But hopefully, you also see things a little differently. You appreciate what you have and what you do, while remembering that there’s a whole world out there–a world of different ideas, interests, perspectives, and experiences. A world that, in many ways, is very different from your own life.

But rather than seeing differences as “wrong” or threatening or even just boring, you can choose to see them as reminders of just how diverse the human population is–and what a wonderful blessing this is for all of us!

The (Non-)Language of Angels

During the Christmas season, people tend to talk (and sing) more about the voices of angels. Whether it’s singing a carol (such as “Angels We Have Heard on High” or “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”) or complimenting an “angelic” choir, we imagine angels’ voices to be transcendently beautiful.

But what do you think our voices would sound like to angels?

Would they enjoy our voices? Would they appreciate our words? Would they understand us–no matter what language we speak?

Some people might imagine that angels can understand all languages, but let’s imagine for a moment that the opposite is true: they don’t understand any earthly language.

Let’s imagine that angels watch and listen to us from their clouds (or wherever they hang out), but they don’t understand our words. What they DO understand is our tone, our attitude, and the intention behind our words–in short, our energy.

It’s just like us watching/listening to a conversation in a foreign language. Even if we don’t understand a single word, we can usually gauge the essence of what’s being communicated: joy, anger, boredom, or love.

Whether or not you understand the language, can’t you can tell when people are being sincere or sarcastic, when they’re genuinely interested in two-way communication or when they just want to put someone in their place (or ram their opinions down their throat), or when they don’t want to be there at all–and are just waiting for the first opportunity to get away?

This doesn’t take any special training. After all, approximately 93% of communication is nonverbal (55% body language and 38% vocal tone, volume, etc.), and most of us pick up on the nonverbal cues without even trying–or even being consciously aware of them. But I think that there’s more to this than simply noticing someone’s crossed arms, rolled eyes, or a quick glance at their watch. I think that we all naturally sense one another’s energy.

Which brings us back to the angels…

Imagine that  as angels watch and listen to you, they can’t understand your words. Perhaps they don’t even hear you in the standard, human sense. They just sense the energy that you’re transmitting.

Energy is the language of angels!

Even if you’re saying trite words or nothing at all, they “hear” (or feel) when you’re sharing love. On the other hand, if you speak eloquently but with no energy–no real feeling behind your words–they wouldn’t hear a thing.

Let’s take our thought experiment a step further: Imagine that the angels also can’t see in the normal, human sense. They can’t detect physical movement–only the movement of energy.

Now, as I’m sure you realize, I’m not referring to energy in the mundane sense, such as burning calories. It’s certainly possible to use up a lot of this kind of energy without transmitting anything significant, without “speaking the language of the angels.”

For instance, someone running around frantically, rushing around in meaningless activity (or, at least, meaningless to them–the proverbial “sound and fury, signifying nothing”) looks to the angels as if they weren’t moving at all. On the other hand, a tiny movement that conveys a lot of energy would look like a huge movement to the angels, even if it seemed like nothing was happening from a typical human perspective.

So, what would these angels see and hear if they observed you?

  • Would they feel the love behind your words?
  • Would they sense the flow of positive energy in your actions?
  • Or would it look like nothing much was happening, no matter how much you said and did?

Whether we think of this literally or metaphorically, it’s helpful to remind ourselves–especially during the holiday season–that we don’t have to move mountains (or throw elaborate parties or buy everyone extravagant gifts) to make the angels smile. Just remember how powerful even a few simple, sincere words can be. Or a small, loving gesture. Or a smile.

If the energy behind your words and actions is positive, that’s what ultimately matters. That’s what’s real.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! 🙂

Grateful for Strikeouts

As a life-long baseball fan (who’s currently going through a bit of postseason withdrawal), I’ve noticed a trend growing over the years: players pointing to the sky (ostensibly to God) after they get a big hit.

While some people consider this to be nothing more than ostentatious showboating, others see it as a sign of humility–a player giving thanks to God, showing their gratitude for the blessings bestowed upon them.

And I’m all in favor of that. I feel that expressing gratitude is one of the most important and reverential acts we can partake in. But, in most sports-related instances, I’m not impressed.

Because here’s the thing: Players only point to the sky after a big hit. You never see players point to the sky after they strike out. (Or drop a ball. Or throw a wild pitch.)

Now that would impress me. That would convince me of a player’s true faith. That would strike me as an act of true gratitude!

Because anyone can be happy when they hit a homerun, when their team is winning, when things are going their way. But it takes deep faith and a generous spirit to express thanks in hard times–in times of failure (or apparent failure). It takes true humility to accept that even a loss may be for the higher good.

And it takes a wider perspective: Maybe you’re being offered a lesson in the form of a disappointment. Maybe the other team needed the victory more than you did. Or maybe God has more important things to worry about than your batting average.

Or maybe an apparent failure is really a blessing in disguise–a blessing beyond our current comprehension. Perhaps someday we’ll be able to look back and have it all make sense. Or perhaps it never will.

But to be able to offer thanks for everything–even disappointments, frustrations, and setbacks–regardless of whether or not we can see the “silver lining”–now THAT is true gratitude.

So, this Thanksgiving (and beyond), I invite us all to offer thanks for every part of our lives: the homeruns as well as the strikeouts. It’s all a part of life, which, after all, is the greatest blessing of all.

Happy Thanksgiving! 🙂

PS: Another quirk of this sky-pointing phenomenon is that it never seems to happen on defense. I’ve never seen a shortstop point skyward after a diving stop or a catcher pointing to God after blocking a ball in the dirt with a man on third.

PPS: Registration just opened for my wife Jodi’s ecourse–click banner below for details:
Coming Back to Life Ecourse

What to Do When You Take a Wrong Turn

I was recently on the phone with a personal-growth author while she was driving to her son’s soccer game. We were discussing her latest book when she suddenly said, “Oops! I took a wrong turn! Can I call you back?” A few minutes later she called to say she was back on track, and we resumed our conversation (until she reached the soccer field).

Maybe it’s because we’d been discussing personal-growth topics, but we both thought that this wrong turn was a great metaphor:

We ALL take wrong turns sometimes!

The question is: What do you do when this happens?

  • Do you bang on the steering wheel and curse yourself for being so careless?
  • Do you blame the “stupid” road signs and/or faulty directions?
  • Do you refuse to admit that you took a wrong turn, and obstinately continue the way you’re going?
  • Do you step on the gas and go speeding as fast as you can in this wrong direction?

Hopefully, you don’t (although I admit I’ve fallen into point #2 on occasion).

None of these approaches helps you. They just make you feel bad, they waste your time and energy (and gas), and they certainly don’t get you back on track.

The most helpful course of action is very simple and straightforward:

  • First, recognize that you’ve taken a wrong turn–that you’re heading in the wrong direction.
  • If you know where you are, turn the car around until you’re back on track.
  • If you’re lost, stop and ask for directions.

(And, of course, you have to know where you want to go–otherwise, you could end up in some rather comical/surreal conversations: “Hi, can I get directions?” “OK, directions to where?” “I don’t know.”)

It seems so simple when we look at it in terms of driving, but what happens when you take “wrong turns” in your own life–actions and/or decisions that don’t lead to your desired destination?

  • Do you expend a lot of energy needlessly berating yourself (and/or others)?
  • Do you deny that there’s a problem–that you’re not heading where you intended to go? (“Yes, of course I meant to drive past the exit and go over the bridge!”)
  • Or are you humble and wise enough to recognize the wrong turn, get help if you need it, take action to get back on track, and learn from the experience?

Most of the time, wrong turns are no big deal–especially if you catch them fairly soon. My author-friend, for instance, found her way back to the soccer field and arrived in time to see her son’s game. And now she’ll know the way for next time–and be able to help anyone else who might need directions (including what to watch out for: e.g., “If you see a post office, you’ve gone too far!”).

Also, remember that sometimes “wrong turns” can lead you somewhere even more wonderful than your original intended destination. Sometimes, “mistakes” can turn out to be some of the most fortuitous events of your life. So don’t be too quick to label something a “wrong turn”–even if it feels that way at first.

But even if it is a wrong turn, that’s OK, too. Unlike most highways and busy intersections, in life, U-turns are always permitted!

When was the last time you made a wrong turn? How did you get back on track? Have you ever made a “wrong turn” that led somewhere even better than where you’d planned to go? I’d love to hear your comments and experiences!

The Tao of Frogger

Remember the video game Frogger?

It was big in the arcades in the early ’80s–around the same time as Pac-Man, Galaga, and Donkey Kong. For those of you who didn’t come of age during the Golden Age of Arcade Video Games (as I did–I was born in 1971)–or to refresh your memory if it’s been awhile since you last operated a joystick, here’s how the game worked:

A frog tries to get home–first by hopping across a busy street, then by crossing a river (by jumping on passing logs or on the backs of passing turtles or crocodiles–as long as it avoids their jaws). The frog “loses a life” (how’s that for a euphemism?) if it gets hit by a vehicle or falls into the river (at which point the game abandons any semblance of verisimilitude, seeing as all the frogs I’ve ever met have been fairly proficient swimmers).

The frog can also die by staying on the same log for too long–while it floats to the edge of the screen. And that’s what I want to focus on in this post. As you’ve probably guessed, however, this post isn’t really about a video game. It’s about our tendency to get stuck by over-identifying with our habitual thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

When we engage in habitual patterns of thought, emotion, or behavior, it’s like sitting on a log floating downstream. The “log” will carry us along with it–usually to a predictable destination.

This can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. For instance, if we tend to engage in activities we’re passionate about or think about things we’re grateful for, these habits are likely to carry us to a place we like–a place that makes us feel vibrant, joyful, and alive.

On the other hand, we can also “ride a log” of negative emotions–such as wallowing in self-pity or stewing in anger–which will probably take us somewhere we don’t particularly enjoy.

We’ve all found ourselves in both situations. But the key thing to remember is:

The frog is not the log!

That is to say, we’re not stuck on that “log” of thought or emotion. We don’t have to keep “riding” the same feelings when they don’t feel right–when they don’t serve us by taking us where we want to go.

We can hop right off any time we choose to! We can get on a different log, heading in a different direction, taking us to a different destination!

When we take a step back it seems so obvious, but it’s sometimes hard to separate ourselves from our experiences while we’re in the middle of them–especially if we’re riding a wave (or a “log”) of intense emotions. So, when you find yourself being carried away in a direction you don’t like, remind yourself:

  • You’re the frog! You have free will. You control the joystick! Unlike the logs, you’re not just being carried passively downstream, at the mercy of the current.
  • Your emotions, thoughts, and actions aren’t YOU–they’re just your experiences, which won’t last forever.
  • You CHOOSE your experiences! You can choose to “ride the log” for as long as you’d like, or you can hop off–moving forward, taking a step back, or changing directions altogether.

Sometimes when you’ve been riding a log for so long, you think it’s YOU. You truly start to believe that your job isn’t just something you do–it’s who you are. Or, rather than experiencing some pessimistic thoughts, you start to consider yourself a pessimist. Or you might even believe that you’re not just experiencing anger, but that you’re an angry person.

Maybe you’ve grown comfortable with your log–your identity. Maybe you’ve been riding it for so long that you’ve forgotten that you have options, that you can change your patterns, think different thoughts, feel different emotions.

But you can.

You just have to remember that you can change, and choose to change.

And then, most importantly of all: HOP!

What “logs” have you been riding? Are there any that you’d like to hop off of? Would you be willing to try–to take a “hop of faith”?

Suffering is NOT a Virtue!

A main goal of most (if not all) great spiritual teachers and traditions is the alleviation of suffering. I’d love to be part of this compassionate process in any way possible–and I feel that one of the most important steps in this process is to stop believing that suffering is a virtue.

Let me start by saying what I DON’T mean by this:

  • I DON’T mean that virtuous people don’t suffer. We ALL suffer sometimes. And many virtuous people have suffered tremendously. (We all know many names on this long list–and I am by no means belittling any of these people, their suffering, or their achievements.)
  • I DON’T mean that people don’t often suffer in the course of performing virtuous acts. Oftentimes, people will sacrifice and, yes, suffer, for the benefit of others.
  • And I DON’T mean that you can’t learn, grow, and ultimately benefit from suffering. Lessons come in many forms, and sometimes suffering is a part of those lessons (although by no means a necessary part, I would contend).

What I DO mean is that the suffering itself is not what makes deeds, lessons, or experiences beneficial. Regardless of whether or not suffering is involved in virtuous acts and people, there is nothing inherently beneficial in suffering per se.

My suffering does not help you! In fact, rather than elevating you, it’s much more likely to bring you down.

  • If I get the flu, it doesn’t make you healthier. In fact, if we’re hanging out together, it might make you sick, too.
  • If I suffer from depression, it doesn’t make you happier. If you’re a compassionate person, it’s likely to make you feel bad–to feel sorry for me.
  • If I punch myself in the face, it doesn’t make your face feel better. OK, so this is probably a ridiculous example–but hopefully you get my point.

Why do I feel so passionate about conveying this message?

First of all, because I don’t want to see you–or anyone–suffer, especially needlessly! I have tremendous sympathy and compassion for anyone who is suffering–so I certainly don’t want to feed a mindset that encourages and even rewards suffering.

Secondly, because my least favorite game in the world is “One-Downmanship” (the opposite of “one-upmanship”). Have you ever played (or even witnessed) this game? It usually takes the form of conversations where one person expounds on their woes, only to have the other person say something along the lines of, “You think you’ve got it bad? Ha! Let me tell you about how much my life sucks…” (No one ever wins a game of One-Downmanship; everyone loses.)

Thirdly, because I find it so disturbing when I see people use suffering almost as if it were a currency, like it entitles them to benefits–even if it’s just a reaction of, “Oh, you poor thing!” The most disturbing part about this is that I often find myself falling into this trap!

Yes, I admit it. As much as I consciously reject the notion that suffering is virtuous and/or entitles me to benefits, I still catch myself thinking things like, “I’ve suffered enough; I’ve earned… (fill in the blank), or “I deserve…”–as if my suffering entitled me to something! As if I needed to suffer first in order to feel happy or be healthy or experience abundance! As if I needed to suffer in order to not suffer!

Looking at it rationally, this seems ludicrous. I have to laugh at myself for falling prey to this attitude! But the attitude isn’t affecting me because of a conscious, rational decision. Like so many others, I’ve been infected by the “suffering-is-virtuous” (or “no pain, no gain”) mindset. It’s so prevalent in our society that it’s easy to “catch” it like a virus–to fall into this trap, to internalize this mindset, to assimilate it by osmosis, perhaps without even being aware of it at all.

But by shining light on this belief system, we can expose it for the infection that it is–for the lie that it is! And we can use this light to help us find the truth.

  • The truth is that your suffering doesn’t help anyone. In fact, it probably hurts others (and it certainly hurts you).
  • The truth is that your suffering doesn’t make the world a better place. It makes it a worse place. (It certainly makes your life–or your world–a worse place!)
  • The truth is that your kindness, your goodness, and your joy DO make the world a better place!

And that’s what makes something virtuous–the fact that it makes the world a better place and helps us all suffer less!

So, by this measure, kindness is a virtue. Joy is a virtue. Enthusiasm for life is a virtue. Health is a virtue. Helping is a virtue. Wisdom is a virtue. Peace is a virtue. Freedom is a virtue. Compassion is a virtue. Happiness is a virtue. Love is a virtue.

These are the virtues that I want to feed, nurture, share, and spread.

photo copyright 123RF Stock Photos

Coming Back to Life – with Jodi Chapman

This week I have the honor of interviewing a very special person–in fact, the most special person in my life: my wife, Jodi Chapman.

Aside from being the most amazing, loving, caring, beautiful, brilliant, genuine, and wonderful person I’ve ever known, she’s also an inspiring writer, speaker, and soulful-community-builder.

Jodi has brought together her heart, her wisdom, and her friends–over 35 soulful contributors–into a brand-new course called Coming Back to Life. It’s a six-week ecourse starting October 1.

Today, Jodi joins us to talk about her journey and how it led her to create this amazing course.

For those who are meeting you for the first time, please tell us more about yourself.

If you’re just meeting me for the first time, I would love to start by saying hello. 🙂 I’m grateful that our paths have crossed, and I look forward to getting to know you better!

I am an inspirational writer. (I still pinch myself when I write that because it’s such a dream come true.) I am definitely evidence that our lives can change drastically once we make our minds up and begin to leap toward our dreams. (More about that in a bit.)

For now, I’ll say that I write the blog Soul Speak, and I am so grateful for the loving community there. I also co-wrote (with my amazing husband!) the bestselling Soulful Journals series – 11 writing-prompt books that make getting to know yourself fun. I am the author of the upcoming book, Coming Back to Life: How An Unlikely Friend Helped Me Reclaim My True Spirit, which is what my new ecourse is based on.

What inspired you to create the Coming Back to Life Ecourse?

I was given a helping hand when I needed it so desperately, and this course is my way of offering my own hand to anyone else who is stuck and needing to wake up to their own life.

Just two years ago, I was in a very different place. I definitely wasn’t awake. I was feeling lost and numb and completely disconnected from my soul and from all of life. Like so many of us, I was living my life on auto-pilot. I was alive in the sense that my body was functioning – my heart was beating, and I was getting up each day and going to work, but I wasn’t REALLY living. I was just going through the motions – sleepwalking through life – and I wasn’t even aware of it.

And it’s not like this numbing out happened overnight – it happened gradually over a period of many years. Throughout my life, when something or someone hurt me, it felt like a little part of me left. I’ve always been a sensitive soul, and sometimes it was just easier to retreat rather than feel the pain. I also have lived most of my life feeling afraid and stepping back rather than leaping when I was called to take a chance.

Also, I had spent several years in survival mode – struggling to get by financially, and I if I did realize that I was numb and needed to wake up and start living, I would’ve seen this as frivolous and not a great way to make sure all the bills were paid.

So all of these pains and fears and struggles piled up on top of each other – creating a dark cloud over my heart. It was just easier to go to sleep and not think about it or feel any of it.

Two years ago, all of the struggles in my life came to a head – we had to move under very stressful and surprising circumstances, we were having a hard time staying passionate about our struggling gift business, we were drowning in bills with no light that we could see at the end of the tunnel, and we had just lost two people who meant a lot to us.  So we were grieving and trying to put our life back together at the same time. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed, pull the covers up, and wake up when everything was better again. I didn’t know how I was going to keep going.

That’s when the helping hand came.

My loved one who had just died began communicating with me from the other side. He was my childhood sweetheart, and we hadn’t spoken in almost 20 years. I was definitely not open to this sort of thing at all, so it took an entire year of him sending me signs and me asking for more signs and on and on before we finally could get to work. And once we did, my entire world opened up. He helped me see that being here on Earth is such a beautiful gift – a gift that we have chosen to be a part of. He helped me see that I wasn’t really living. And he helped me wake up and step back into my life again.

Our journey together has been life-changing for me. Everything changed – all because I now saw things through a different lens. I now know that my time here is precious, and I can choose to come back to life. We all can.
That’s why I created this course. I was given this beautiful gift, and I didn’t want to keep it all to myself. I want to be the helping hand for others.

Who is your course for?

This course is for those of us who have ever felt disconnected from life – from our soul. It’s for those of us who have felt our light dimming. It’s for those of us who know that there is more to life than simply getting through the day.

This course is for those of us who are ready to plug back into this magical universe, reconnect with our soul, and open our hearts again. It’s for those of us who are no longer willing to just “get by” and sleepwalk through our days. It’s for those of us who are ready – truly ready – to start living fully.

 What are the benefits for people who enroll in your course?

 I would say that the biggest benefit for anyone who enrolls is to know that they have taken the first step toward embracing their life. They have walked toward the light and are sending a clear message to their soul that they are no longer okay with sleepwalking through life. Through awareness comes healing, and recognizing that your life isn’t how you would like it to be is the first step toward creating the life you want to be living.

Also, I would say that knowing you aren’t alone in feeling this way is a huge relief and a benefit that will last a lifetime. I went through much of my life completely closed off to outside help, and it was a very lonely way to live. Once I opened up and allowed others in, everything changed. I now feel love constantly pouring in, and I am constantly letting it flow out as well. It’s a much more free and loving way to live, and you’ll definitely experience that within the course.

What do you hope that people will take away after completing the course?

I want them to see that there is another way to live. I want them to really know that we have a choice – we truly don’t have to go through life simply going through the motions and just getting through the day. There is an entire universe out there that we are only just beginning to tap into. Our soul is connected to such a beautiful world – and waking up is the key to experiencing this way of life.

What else would you like to share?

We have all felt disconnected from our soul and the universe throughout our lives. This is completely normal. And when we feel this way, it can be hard to know how to plug back in. When I was feeling numb, I had a friend help guide me back. That’s why I created this course – to be that helping hand for you. To offer concrete tools and a loving community to support you in your journey back home. I would be thrilled if you joined us. Isn’t it time you woke up and embraced your life again? Isn’t it time we all did?

I hope you’ll choose to come back to life!

Please click here for more information about Jodi and the Coming Back to Life ecourse.

The Most Important Word in the English Language?

What do you think Is the most important word in the English language?

Do you think it’s “love“? How about “yes“? You could also make a good case for “thanks” or, certainly, “God.” Maybe even “I am” (or we could say “I’m” if we want to play by the single-word rule).

But my vote goes to a simple, less dramatic word:

DECIDE.

Because no matter what you do–or don’t do–in your life, it all starts with a decision.

  • You have to decide to say yes (or no)–to opportunities, to life, to yourself.
  • You have to decide to follow your passion (or not).
  • You have to decide to listen to (or ignore) your inner wisdom.

And even when things happen to you that are beyond your control–for instance, if you’re struck by Cupid’s arrow of love, filled with gratitude, or touched by a moment of involuntary grace–you still decide how to respond: You can share your love, express your gratitude, or respond to the higher calling–or you can ignore your feelings and do nothing.

It’s always your decision!

And every moment of your life presents a decision–sometimes big, sometimes small. Every moment presents you with a fork in the road–or at least a decision to keep going, stop, or turn around and head in a different direction.

And your life represents the sum total of all of the decisions you make. Or, as Ralph Waldo Emerson put it:

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”

Isn’t this wonderful? Isn’t it so empowering? It means that you’re not at the mercy of fate or genetic chance or societal programming. It means you get to decide who you are!

But this also means that you can’t pass the buck!

If you’re unhappy with your life, you can’t blame someone else.

  • You can’t say, “My boyfriend made me quit my job”–because it was you who decided to take his suggestion (and stay with someone so domineering).
  • You can’t say, “I’m stuck”–because you can always decide to shift your perspective, head in a different direction, and make different choices.
  • And you can’t pretend that you don’t have a choice–because you always do!

You just have to choose to choose.

P.S. True, crazy story about this post: While I was writing this, my wife, Jodi, came and asked me if I could look at a guest post she had just written for another site. It was called, “The Power of Choice.” Neither one of us had any idea of what the other was writing. (Cue “Twilight Zone” music.) Either it’s something in our house’s water, or we’re definitely on the same wavelength.

P.P.S. And, speaking of my awesome wife, her ecourse, Coming Back to Life, starts in less than two weeks (on October 1). If you’re looking for a supportive community of like-minded people, helping one another in our journey of “coming back to life”–this might be the perfect course at the perfect time for you!

The course includes weekly activities, a private Facebook group, weekly chats, and soulful contributions (videos, written pieces, and more) from Kris Carlson (Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff series), Jen Louden (The Woman’s Comfort Book), Lori Deschene (TinyBuddha.com), and dozens of others (including me). Click here to learn more about the course and to see if it’s right for you (or anyone else you know).

 (photo copyright: 123RF Stock Photos)

The Case of the Missing Towels

towels

Let’s Go to Disney World!

A few years ago, a friend of mine wanted to take her two young daughters to Disney World, but she didn’t have enough money.

Her and her husband’s combined salaries weren’t nearly enough to cover the airfare, hotel, park admission, and other travel expenses–but they really wanted to give their daughters a memory of a lifetime, especially while they were still young enough to really experience the magic.

So, whereas many people might have given up, they decided to brainstorm. (As Robert Kiosaki might say, they shifted from “We CAN’T afford this” to “HOW can we afford this?”) And here’s what they came up with:

BINGO!

Yes, literally–bingo! They decided to hold a bingo fundraiser.

And they did it right: They bought a lot of great prizes (to give to the winners), publicized the event, and rented out a nice venue.

The event was a huge success: The place was packed, everybody had a great time, and they raised enough to take the vacation–which they all loved (especially the girls)!

It was heartwarming to see–and provided a great lesson about ingenuity, outside-of-the-box problem solving, and being a loving parent…

But that’s not what I came to tell you about.

(…as Arlo Guthrie famously said.)

I wanted to tell you about a funny, eye-opening moment that happened during the bingo game.

As I said, my friend bought lots of great prizes, which enticed people to play more. (Jodi and I even won a set of 12 kitchen knives–complete with a beautiful wooden holder–which we still use every day!)

One of the best prizes was a really nice set of plates, bowls, and silverware. The person who won was so excited, but when he came up to claim this great prize, my friend was apologetic, saying, “I’m so sorry–it was supposed to come with a set of dish towels, but the store was out of the towels.”

Jodi and I looked at each other with smiles that clearly showed that we were thinking the same thing: “WHY would she say that? She has absolutely nothing to apologize for!

After all, this was a GREAT prize, which the person had won by spending a whopping $1 on a game of bingo! And the winner had NO IDEA that the set was missing anything. He wouldn’t have expected (or even known about) the “missing” towels if my friend hadn’t mentioned them.

Lessons of the “Missing” Towels

This seemed like a small, innocuously funny moment at the time; but over the years, “the missing towels” has become our short-hand phrase for situations like this (which come up more often than you might think!).

It’s also served to remind us of three important lessons:

1. Focus on what IS, rather than on what ISN’T

When I was a young kid, my father used to sing a song with the words, “As you go through life make this your goal: watch the doughnut, not the hole.”

It’s true in so many contexts. We can get so fixated on what we DON’T have that we forget to appreciate what we DO have. Not only will this appreciation make us happier NOW, but it will also help us get more of what we love, appreciate, and focus on–while making those gaps, holes, or “missing towels” seem less and less important.

2. Everything’s relative.

In my friend’s mind, the winner was getting deprived of towels. In the winner’s mind (and mine!), he was getting a great prize!

It’s like giving someone $10 and saying, “Sorry, I was going to give you $20, but this is all I have right now.” The recipient might feel slightly bad or even deprived–despite getting $10! On the other hand, if you gave someone $10 and said, “I was going to give you $5, but I realized I had $10,” the recipient would probably feel twice as good!

You can make someone (including yourself!) feel better or worse about the same event, simply by reframing or changing the context.

3. No Need to Apologize (…when there’s no need for apologies)

I’m a big advocate of apologizing…when apologies are in order. (One of my personal mottos is “When you mess up, ‘fess up!”) A sincere apology can go a LONG way toward mending hurt feelings.

However, when you’ve done nothing wrong–or, in fact, have done something very RIGHT (such as given someone a nice gift or prize)–there’s no need to apologize. Rather than improve a relationship, an unnecessary apology can actually make the person you’re apologizing to feel worse–feeling bad that you feel bad enough to apologize.

(Unnecessary apologies can also plant a seed of doubt that perhaps you HAVE done something wrong–something that probably would never have dawned on them if you hadn’t brought it up.)

Honesty and Appreciation

Now, let me be clear: I’m not encouraging anyone to be dishonest or withhold information. I’m merely suggesting that, in most cases, no one knows that towels (or anything else) are missing–unless you tell them.

Ultimately, we all want to feel good about our lives. And what do you think will make everyone feel better: appreciating what IS there or bemoaning what ISN’T there? The doughnut or the hole? The nice plates or the missing towels?

If you said appreciating what is there–the doughnut and the plates…

BINGO!

If you liked this post, please feel free to comment and/or share this with anyone else you think might enjoy it.

P.S. Last call to sign up for the “Coming Back to Life” ecourse at the discounted rate. Register before 9/1 and save $20.

Join me, Jodi, Kristine Carlson (Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff), Jen Louden (The Woman’s Comfort Book), and dozens of other soulful contributors on this journey of waking up and living fully! Click here for details.

 

A Helping Hand

helping hand

Imagine this scenario:

A little kid is about to run out into a busy street.

He wants something in the street or on the other side. Maybe a ball he was playing with rolled into the street. Maybe he sees a friend he wants to visit on the other side. Or maybe the ice-cream truck is coming.

Whatever the motivation, the little kid starts running toward the street, paying no attention to the cars zipping past, oblivious to the danger–simply focused on what he wants.

He sprints across his front yard and onto the sidewalk, but just before he steps out into the street, a parent grabs his arm, preventing him from taking another step.

The kid is saved!

(Whew!)

But is the kid relieved? Is he grateful? Does he drop to his knees and give thanks for life and for the parent who just saved him?

Not at all! Just the opposite:

He throws a tantrum!

He screams. He squirms. He tries to pull away. He vents his frustration as only a little kid can do.

After all, he’s not a happy camper. He’s incredibly angry about being prevented from doing what he wants to do, from reaching his goal (retrieving that ball, getting the ice cream, or whatever it was he wanted).

He doesn’t thank his mom or dad for saving his life. He doesn’t reflect on how fortunate he was that they stopped him. He doesn’t contemplate the grave risk he narrowly avoided.

In fact, he continues to struggle–trying to run out into the street. But, thank goodness, the parent holds on tight, keeping the kid on the sidewalk–still throwing a tantrum, but still safe and alive.

 Who do you identify with: the kid or the parent?

I’d venture to guess that we all side with the parent in this case. Despite the kid’s struggles and protests, we can see that it’s in his best interest to be stopped from running out into a busy street. The parent’s hand protected him from danger–and quite possibly saved his life.

It’s so easy to see in a case like this, yet how many times in our own lives do we fixate on a goal and a direction we want to move in, only to become frustrated and angry when we’re stopped? How often do we throw an adult tantrum (which might amount to nothing more than fuming inside or venting to a friend or spouse about an unfair situation) simply because something or someone is preventing us from moving toward what we want?

Yes, it is frustrating to have our desires thwarted. Nobody likes roadblocks and obstacles. We’d all like to reach our goals smoothly and easily, encountering as few snags and snares as possible.

But let’s consider another perspective:

What if those blocks–the things that get you stuck while you’re pursuing your goal–are like the parent’s hand? What if the very thing that you find so frustrating is actually stopping you from making a grave error? What if you’re being kept safe by a force bigger than you–one that you can’t understand from your present perspective?

It might not be a matter of life and death. Perhaps your situation is more like standing at a fork in the road, starting down one path, but being stopped and gently (or not so gently) guided in the other direction.

Maybe the road you were starting down didn’t lead to tragedy–it may just have been a dead end, or maybe it led somewhere undesirable, or maybe it did lead to a good place but was a much longer route than the alternative.

What if the forces that stop and/or redirect you are actually helping hands?

This is not to say that you should abandon your goals the moment you hit a bump in the road. Almost all journeys have unexpected twists and turns, detours and setbacks. Any goal worth pursuing is almost bound to come with challenges. (Although I must add that one of my favorite book titles is Life Was Never Meant to be a Struggle–a dictum that makes a pretty good life motto!)

If, however, you find yourself forced into a standstill or forced to change direction, if you find yourself struggling and straining to no avail, if you find yourself repeatedly frustrated by a lack of progress in your desired direction, perhaps it’s time to ask yourself:

  • What if the thing that’s stopping me is actually keeping me safe?
  • What if I’m being redirected in a healthier direction?
  • What if the thing that’s frustrating me right now is actually going to save me greater frustration in the long run?
  • What if the hand that holds me back is actually a helping hand?

If you feel like you’re being held back, maybe it’s for a good reason!

A little kid running toward a busy street might not be able to understand concepts like safety and danger. He might not have the emotional maturity to let go of frustration. He might not know how to consider alternative perspectives.

But you do!

Yes, sometimes an impediment is merely a challenge to overcome, a sign that you need to persevere to reach your goal. But it might also be a sign saying, “Wrong Way!”–or, to put it more positively: “Perhaps there’s a better way!”

It all depends on how you look at it.

Have you ever felt frustrated at being held back from a goal or desire? Do you think that whatever (or whoever) was holding you back might have helped you in the long run? Is there anything holding you back right now that you can look at from a different perspective?

Please feel free to share this post–and your comments! I’d love to hear your perspective and experiences!

Photo copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos