Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Case of the Missing Towels

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towels

Let’s Go to Disney World!

A few years ago, a friend of mine wanted to take her two young daughters to Disney World, but she didn’t have enough money.

Her and her husband’s combined salaries weren’t nearly enough to cover the airfare, hotel, park admission, and other travel expenses–but they really wanted to give their daughters a memory of a lifetime, especially while they were still young enough to really experience the magic.

So, whereas many people might have given up, they decided to brainstorm. (As Robert Kiosaki might say, they shifted from “We CAN’T afford this” to “HOW can we afford this?”) And here’s what they came up with:

BINGO!

Yes, literally–bingo! They decided to hold a bingo fundraiser.

And they did it right: They bought a lot of great prizes (to give to the winners), publicized the event, and rented out a nice venue.

The event was a huge success: The place was packed, everybody had a great time, and they raised enough to take the vacation–which they all loved (especially the girls)!

It was heartwarming to see–and provided a great lesson about ingenuity, outside-of-the-box problem solving, and being a loving parent…

But that’s not what I came to tell you about.

(…as Arlo Guthrie famously said.)

I wanted to tell you about a funny, eye-opening moment that happened during the bingo game.

As I said, my friend bought lots of great prizes, which enticed people to play more. (Jodi and I even won a set of 12 kitchen knives–complete with a beautiful wooden holder–which we still use every day!)

One of the best prizes was a really nice set of plates, bowls, and silverware. The person who won was so excited, but when he came up to claim this great prize, my friend was apologetic, saying, “I’m so sorry–it was supposed to come with a set of dish towels, but the store was out of the towels.”

Jodi and I looked at each other with smiles that clearly showed that we were thinking the same thing: “WHY would she say that? She has absolutely nothing to apologize for!”

After all, this was a GREAT prize, which the person had won by spending a whopping $1 on a game of bingo! And the winner had NO IDEA that the set was missing anything. He wouldn’t have expected (or even known about) the “missing” towels if my friend hadn’t mentioned them.

Lessons of the “Missing” Towels

This seemed like a small, innocuously funny moment at the time; but over the years, “the missing towels” has become our short-hand phrase for situations like this (which come up more often than you might think!).

It’s also served to remind us of three important lessons:

1. Focus on what IS, rather than on what ISN’T

When I was a young kid, my father used to sing a song with the words, “As you go through life make this your goal: watch the doughnut, not the hole.”

It’s true in so many contexts. We can get so fixated on what we DON’T have that we forget to appreciate what we DO have. Not only will this appreciation make us happier NOW, but it will also help us get more of what we love, appreciate, and focus on–while making those gaps, holes, or “missing towels” seem less and less important.

2. Everything’s relative.

In my friend’s mind, the winner was getting deprived of towels. In the winner’s mind (and mine!), he was getting a great prize!

It’s like giving someone $10 and saying, “Sorry, I was going to give you $20, but this is all I have right now.” The recipient might feel slightly bad or even deprived–despite getting $10! On the other hand, if you gave someone $10 and said, “I was going to give you $5, but I realized I had $10,” the recipient would probably feel twice as good!

You can make someone (including yourself!) feel better or worse about the same event, simply by reframing or changing the context.

3. No Need to Apologize (…when there’s no need for apologies)

I’m a big advocate of apologizing…when apologies are in order. (One of my personal mottos is “When you mess up, ‘fess up!”) A sincere apology can go a LONG way toward mending hurt feelings.

However, when you’ve done nothing wrong–or, in fact, have done something very RIGHT (such as given someone a nice gift or prize)–there’s no need to apologize. Rather than improve a relationship, an unnecessary apology can actually make the person you’re apologizing to feel worse–feeling bad that you feel bad enough to apologize.

(Unnecessary apologies can also plant a seed of doubt that perhaps you HAVE done something wrong–something that probably would never have dawned on them if you hadn’t brought it up.)

Honesty and Appreciation

Now, let me be clear: I’m not encouraging anyone to be dishonest or withhold information. I’m merely suggesting that, in most cases, no one knows that towels (or anything else) are missing–unless you tell them.

Ultimately, we all want to feel good about our lives. And what do you think will make everyone feel better: appreciating what IS there or bemoaning what ISN’T there? The doughnut or the hole? The nice plates or the missing towels?

If you said appreciating what is there–the doughnut and the plates…

BINGO!

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If you liked this post, please feel free to comment and/or share this with anyone else you think might enjoy it.

P.S. Last call to sign up for the “Coming Back to Life” ecourse at the discounted rate. Register before 9/1 and save $20.

Join me, Jodi, Kristine Carlson (Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff), Jen Louden (The Woman’s Comfort Book), and dozens of other soulful contributors on this journey of waking up and living fully! Click here for details.

 

A Helping Hand

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helping hand

Imagine this scenario:

A little kid is about to run out into a busy street.

He wants something in the street or on the other side. Maybe a ball he was playing with rolled into the street. Maybe he sees a friend he wants to visit on the other side. Or maybe the ice-cream truck is coming.

Whatever the motivation, the little kid starts running toward the street, paying no attention to the cars zipping past, oblivious to the danger–simply focused on what he wants.

He sprints across his front yard and onto the sidewalk, but just before he steps out into the street, a parent grabs his arm, preventing him from taking another step.

The kid is saved!

(Whew!)

But is the kid relieved? Is he grateful? Does he drop to his knees and give thanks for life and for the parent who just saved him?

Not at all! Just the opposite:

He throws a tantrum!

He screams. He squirms. He tries to pull away. He vents his frustration as only a little kid can do.

After all, he’s not a happy camper. He’s incredibly angry about being prevented from doing what he wants to do, from reaching his goal (retrieving that ball, getting the ice cream, or whatever it was he wanted).

He doesn’t thank his mom or dad for saving his life. He doesn’t reflect on how fortunate he was that they stopped him. He doesn’t contemplate the grave risk he narrowly avoided.

In fact, he continues to struggle–trying to run out into the street. But, thank goodness, the parent holds on tight, keeping the kid on the sidewalk–still throwing a tantrum, but still safe and alive.

 Who do you identify with: the kid or the parent?

I’d venture to guess that we all side with the parent in this case. Despite the kid’s struggles and protests, we can see that it’s in his best interest to be stopped from running out into a busy street. The parent’s hand protected him from danger–and quite possibly saved his life.

It’s so easy to see in a case like this, yet how many times in our own lives do we fixate on a goal and a direction we want to move in, only to become frustrated and angry when we’re stopped? How often do we throw an adult tantrum (which might amount to nothing more than fuming inside or venting to a friend or spouse about an unfair situation) simply because something or someone is preventing us from moving toward what we want?

Yes, it is frustrating to have our desires thwarted. Nobody likes roadblocks and obstacles. We’d all like to reach our goals smoothly and easily, encountering as few snags and snares as possible.

But let’s consider another perspective:

What if those blocks–the things that get you stuck while you’re pursuing your goal–are like the parent’s hand? What if the very thing that you find so frustrating is actually stopping you from making a grave error? What if you’re being kept safe by a force bigger than you–one that you can’t understand from your present perspective?

It might not be a matter of life and death. Perhaps your situation is more like standing at a fork in the road, starting down one path, but being stopped and gently (or not so gently) guided in the other direction.

Maybe the road you were starting down didn’t lead to tragedy–it may just have been a dead end, or maybe it led somewhere undesirable, or maybe it did lead to a good place but was a much longer route than the alternative.

What if the forces that stop and/or redirect you are actually helping hands?

This is not to say that you should abandon your goals the moment you hit a bump in the road. Almost all journeys have unexpected twists and turns, detours and setbacks. Any goal worth pursuing is almost bound to come with challenges. (Although I must add that one of my favorite book titles is Life Was Never Meant to be a Struggle–a dictum that makes a pretty good life motto!)

If, however, you find yourself forced into a standstill or forced to change direction, if you find yourself struggling and straining to no avail, if you find yourself repeatedly frustrated by a lack of progress in your desired direction, perhaps it’s time to ask yourself:

  • What if the thing that’s stopping me is actually keeping me safe?
  • What if I’m being redirected in a healthier direction?
  • What if the thing that’s frustrating me right now is actually going to save me greater frustration in the long run?
  • What if the hand that holds me back is actually a helping hand?

If you feel like you’re being held back, maybe it’s for a good reason!

A little kid running toward a busy street might not be able to understand concepts like safety and danger. He might not have the emotional maturity to let go of frustration. He might not know how to consider alternative perspectives.

But you do!

Yes, sometimes an impediment is merely a challenge to overcome, a sign that you need to persevere to reach your goal. But it might also be a sign saying, “Wrong Way!”–or, to put it more positively: “Perhaps there’s a better way!”

It all depends on how you look at it.

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Have you ever felt frustrated at being held back from a goal or desire? Do you think that whatever (or whoever) was holding you back might have helped you in the long run? Is there anything holding you back right now that you can look at from a different perspective?

Please feel free to share this post–and your comments! I’d love to hear your perspective and experiences!

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Photo copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos

The Upside of Pain

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Better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all!The other day I did one of my favorite things in the world: I took a nap!

The nap itself was glorious (as naps tend to be), but when I woke up there was something wrong: my left arm was numb and paralyzed.

(I’m reminded of the old Stephen Wright joke: I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.)

I picked up the “sleeping” arm with my other hand and let it drop, but I couldn’t feel a thing–and couldn’t move it on its own. It was like having an inanimate object attached to my body.

If you’ve ever had an arm (or a foot or any other body part) fall asleep, you know that it’s a very odd sensation–or, rather, no sensation at all. It can be very disconcerting, and I probably would’ve called 911 in a panic (dialing with my other hand, of course) if I didn’t know from experience that the numbness/paralysis would be short-lived.

And, sure enough, within a few minutes the arm started waking up: starting with subtle tingles, which turned into needles, which, for awhile, became so painful that I almost wished my arm would go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, however, the pain subsided, and my arm was back to normal.

Aaahhhhh….. 🙂

Although this very commonplace experience lasted only a few minutes, it got me thinking about numbness, pain, and the idea of “coming back to life.” (Granted, this idea has been on my mind a lot lately, since my wife just launched an ecourse with that title–which I’ll be shamelessly plugging for the next few months!) What I realized was this:

Oftentimes, pain is the first sign that we’re waking up and coming back to life.

Although no one likes to feel pain, at least it’s a sign that we’re not totally numb–not asleep or unfeeling (or dead). The feeling may not be pleasant, but at least we’re feeling something!

And that’s often what happens in our lives as we become more conscious, more aware, more sensitive: We start feeling more things–including some feelings that we don’t necessarily enjoy. We might experience pain. And we might even wish that we could go back to sleep, go back to being numb, go back to feeling nothing at all rather than this agonizing, unbearable pain.

And it makes sense. I get it. I can sympathize.

I’ve felt pain–far worse than a tingling arm. We all have. And we’ve all had moments when we’ve wished that the pain would just go away–even if it meant feeling nothing at all. When we’re in pain, it’s completely natural that part of us would rather numb out than feel the pain–or feel anything.

But there’s another part of us that, even in the midst of great pain, realizes three important things:

  1. This too shall pass. Even the worst pain subsides over time.
  2. Pain can be a teacher. Whether it’s teaching us a lesson about impermanence or reminding us not to touch a hot stove, pain is ultimately there to serve us.
  3. Pain is a sign of life. Whether you’re experiencing hypothermia or heartbreak, you should be most worried when you stop feeling!

I’m not suggesting that we intentionally seek out pain or eagerly invite it into our lives, I’m merely saying that when it does (inevitably) show up, we can see it as evidence that we are awake and alive and able to feel.

And that means that we are also able to feel the rest of the spectrum of sensations and emotions–including joy, ecstasy, elation, relief, awe, and love.

And we remember why it’s all worth it.

At some point, you too will take a nap.

Part of you will fall asleep–your arm or your foot, or maybe your heart or your soul. But eventually you will wake up. You will feel the tingles and, most likely, some pain. And that’s when you have a choice. You can either curse the pain or see it for what it is:

A sign of life.

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If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to comment and/or share it with anyone else you think might find it of interest. Thanks!

Setting Healthy Boundaries – Don’t Get Crowded out of Your Own Life!

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Set healthy boundaries against the "camels" in your life!

Do you know the story of the camel in the tent?

I’ve heard several variations, but here’s the gist of it:

A man is traveling across the desert on a camel. At night the man sleeps in a tent, while the camel sleeps outside. But one night, the camel asks if he can sleep in the tent.

“No,” says the man. “You’re a camel. Sleep outside.”

The camel looks at the man with his most pathetic puppy-dog eyes (or “baby-camel” eyes) and asks, “Well, if I can’t sleep in the tent, can I just stick in the tip of my toe?”

“Okay,” the man relents. “But just the tip of your toe.”

The next night, the same scene plays out, but this time the camel asks if he can stick his whole foot in the tent. Again, the man relents. The night after that, the camel asks to put one leg in the tent, and then two, and then…

Well, you can probably see where this is headed: before long, the camel is sleeping completely in the tent, and the man is pushed out and forced to sleep outside in the cold desert night.

What does this mean for you and me?

While there’s no single “right” interpretation, I can tell you some things that this story DOESN’T mean to me:

  • It DOESN’T mean that you shouldn’t share. If you’re moved to share your tent–or anything else–by all means, do so with an open heart!
  • It DOESN’T mean that everyone is out to take advantage of you and your good nature. I’m not a believer in the addage of “give ’em an inch, and they’ll take a mile.” In fact, I’ve found that when you give (in a healthy, balanced way) you tend to get back just as much or even more! (Maybe we should reword the saying: “Give an inch, and you’ll get a mile!”)
  • It DOESN’T mean that you shouldn’t be kind to animals. I’ve been vegetarian since I was 16 years old, so I certainly advocate the humane treatment of camels (and other animals–including humans!)–but I still think the story makes a great metaphor!

In a word, here’s what I DO think this story is about:

BOUNDARIES

More specifically: setting healthy boundaries against everything that threatens to crowd you out of your own life.

(As the saying goes: When you say “yes” to others, make sure you’re not saying “no” to yourself!)

Do you ever feel crowded out of your own life?

Maybe, like the man in the story, you have a “camel in your tent”–something that starts off small and unobtrusive, but grows larger and larger, and takes up more and more of your time until there’s no room for YOU.

Or maybe it’s not just one thing. Maybe (like me) you have a whole bunch of small, medium, and large things–a camel’s “leg” here, a head there, a dozen feet… and they all combine to take up so much of your time and energy, that there’s nothing left for what’s really important to you: your own interests, your own passions, your own LIFE!

That’s where I’ve been for the last few weeks.

Last week, for the first time since I started this blog, I let a week go by without a new post. It’s not because I couldn’t think of anything (I’ve got dozens of ideas just waiting to be typed out) or because I didn’t feel like writing (I LOVE writing–it feels like coming home to me). It’s just that there were too many other things to do–projects, orders, insistent clients, and urgent deadlines.

And so I let them into my “tent”–one by one, until there was no room left for me. No room left for the things that make me me: writing, reading for pleasure, meditating, or just enjoying some totally unproductive chill-out time! There was simply no space in my life for any such “luxuries”–not with all of those camels squeezing in!

The Pros and Cons of Camels

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m very grateful for all of these camels. After all, they’re carrying me across the desert! And I want to take care of them.

But I also know that if I don’t set aside some time that’s just for me, I’m going to resent those camels. Also, I’ll probably start wondering what’s the point in crossing the desert–or making any journey–if I can’t even get a moment of peace in my own tent!

Tent Time

 So, here it is: my “tent” time. For me, writing this post is like spending some time in my tent–no camels allowed! No making journals, no editing other people’s books, no responding to emails or reacting to any of the dozen-or-more fires that “need” to be put out right now. Just me, taking some time for myself–to recharge, to express myself, and to BE myself.

And that’s what I encourage each of us to do, no matter how full our lives get. Make time (and space) for YOU! By carving out even a little bit of time that’s just for you, you send a clear message:

I Matter!

When you take time that’s just for you, you tell yourself, others, and the universe, “My life is important.”

This doesn’t mean that your “camel” isn’t also important. It’s just not ALL-important.

Remember, boundaries are not rejections, and they’re not mean. They’re just a way of saying, “Not now, camel. We’ve spent a lot of time together today, and we’ll be together again tomorrow; but this is my time–and my tent!”

Also (not that you ever need to justify boundaries or self-care), you’ll be a much happier traveling companion (and a better worker, parent, friend, etc.) after you emerge from your “tent time”–feeling refreshed, recharged, and human.

In other words: feeling like the true YOU!

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Is there a camel in YOUR tent? How can you set healthy boundaries to make sure that there’s enough room for YOU in your own life?

I’d love to hear from you–please leave a comment, or if you enjoyed this post, feel free to share it (with the buttons below, on Facebook, or in other ways). Thanks!

Camel photo copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos