When I started looking into creative-writing programs, I got a book called The Creative Writing MFA Handbook.

It’s a guide for people applying to MFA (Master of Fine Arts) programs, covering everything from choosing the best-fitting school and submitting your application, to making the most of the experience once you get there — especially during the workshops, which are at the heart of most writing programs.

The author’s #1 piece of advice for being workshopped (i.e., having your piece critiqued by fellow students) is: Don’t get defensive!

Aside from not criticizing readers’ feedback (which harbors ill will and stifles honest discussion), he also discourages authors from explaining their work. (As an author, you aren’t generally sitting next to your reader, telling them what you really meant — it’s got to come across in the writing itself!) And most of all, he discourages workshopped authors from defending their work with one of student-authors’ most common (and least relevant) lines of defense:

“BUT THAT’S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED!”

Once I got into workshops, I actually heard this rebuttal fairly often. And more than once, I had to stop myself from voicing this thought regarding my own work — because I realized (thanks largely to the MFA Handbook) that it doesn’t matter one bit! Just because a story is 100% factual doesn’t make it a good story!

This is true for fictionalized accounts of real-life experiences, as well as creative nonfiction. And perhaps most of all (and this is the whole point of writing about this in a personal-growth blog), this is true for the stories we tell in everyday life!

You might repeat an anecdote about an unpleasant encounter you had while shopping. You might spend hours griping about your mean boss. You might spend years rehashing tales of unfair treatment you experienced as a child. And all of these stories might be 100% true, yet none of them are good stories!

(By which I mean they’re not good for YOU.)

In creative writing, a “good” story is one that engages the reader, reveals interesting aspects of life, and embodies artistic beauty/truth. But in everyday life, a good story is one that serves you! Or, to put it another way, it’s a story that not only is true, but that you WANT to be true!

With this in mind, my advice for all of us is:

DON’T REPEAT STORIES THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO BE TRUE!

There is no surer way to reinforce and relive a negative experience than by telling and retelling stories about it — in conversations, online, and even (and perhaps most importantly of all) in your own thoughts.

It’s like every time you tell the story, you increase the volume (or font size) — making it a bigger part of your life…and more likely that you’ll have similar experiences in the future. And if the experience really was that unpleasant the first time, why would you want to relive it — in stories or in your life?

But then what are we supposed to do — lie?

No, you don’t have to fabricate happy endings; nor do you need to ignore (or remain secretive about) the lower points of your daily ups and downs. But you can choose HOW you tell (and think about) the stories of your life.

And here’s where the creative writer’s bag of tricks can serve you well! Just like an author writing a piece of creative nonfiction, you get to choose which details to focus on, how you frame them, and what points you make with them.

For instance, if you’re telling a story about your day at work, you could focus on the many pleasant interactions you had, or you could go on and on about the one person who was rude to you. Yes, that’s what really happened. Yes, the story is true. But it’s not a good story!

But even if you did decide to tell the story about the rude person, you (as the “author”) get to set the tone. You could yell about it, cry about it, or laugh about it. You might even use one of my favorite techniques, “clarity through contrast,” and use that one unpleasant interaction to reinforce your intention to treat others well, your expectation that your positivity will be returned to you, and your confidence that you’re able to keep feeling good no matter how you’re treated!

You might even frame an unpleasant incident as the “before” picture in an uplifting story — by having it inspire you to effect positive changes in your life and to live a more enjoyable story!

The key is this: Each time you tell (or even think of) a story — which can be anything from a lengthy anecdote to a one-line “truism” (or “falsism,” such as “nobody really cares about me” or “everyone’s struggling these days”) — ask yourself these questions:

• Do I WANT this story to be true?
• Do I want this story to be true in the way that I’m telling it?
• And if the answer to either of the two previous questions is “no,” ask: How can I retell this story so that I DO want it to be true?

Or you might decide that the best option is to not tell this story at all!

After all, there are infinite stories that you can tell and live. Why not choose the ones that you actually like?

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P.S. If you’d like to start telling new and better-for-you stories, click here to check out my Rewrite Your Story ecourse. It’s available to everyone — and FREE to Soulful Life Sanctuary members!

(If you’re not yet a member, click here to learn more about the sanctuary, which includes Rewrite Your Story and over a dozen other courses and classes, plus a vibrant, supportive community that lets you connect with like-minded souls — and reconnect with yourself! Also, now for the first time ever, month-to-month membership is available for just $19.95/month! Click here for details.)

You can take this course any time you’d like, but we’re going through it as a group in the sanctuary right now (November and December) — including group forums, discussion questions, and an optional live video meeting — allowing us to discuss the course, interact with other students (and with me), and create new, more empowering stories! I hope to see you there! 🙂

Click here for more information and to sign up.

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Photo by Yuri Bizgajmer

Have you ever been to a carnival where the carnies call out to you from their rides or games: “Step right up! Right this way! Two throws for a dollar!”?

Maybe they’re trying to lure you over to the ring toss or some other game (that probably looks easy but is next to impossible to win). Or maybe they’re trying to coax you into taking a ride on a roller coaster or a Ferris Wheel or the Tunnel of Love or the Haunted House.

Many of the games or rides might appeal to you. You might be very happy that the carnies got your attention and enticed you into riding the Bumper Boats or playing a game of Skeeball (even if you don’t win the giant teddy bear).

Other games or rides might not appeal to you at all — or perhaps they actively repel you. For instance, if you know you that you have motion sickness, there’s no carnie in the world who could convince you to get onto the Tilt-A-Whirl.

But you don’t have to worry, because as you’re walking through the carnival, the only one who gets to decide whether or not to go on a ride or play a game is YOU! No matter how loudly or persuasively the carnies might call out to you, they can’t force you onto a ride you don’t want to go on.

This is the same as the rest of your life: No one can force you into a “game” (or a “ride”) without your consent.

People might catch your attention with their various offers (or suggestions or threats). They might yell or beg or cajole or pressure or plead, but only YOU get to decide what you want to do.

They can hold up all the hoops they want, but they can’t force you to jump through them. They can yell, “Step right up!” — but that doesn’t mean you have to!

This also holds true for your own thoughts!

Most people acknowledge that they don’t have to play along with other people’s games (or “dances” — hence the expression, “It takes two to tango”). And this is good to remember — especially when you’re feeling pressured into something that doesn’t feel right to you.

But it’s even more important — and empowering — to remember that you don’t have to follow your own thoughts!

After all, we each have over 50,000 thoughts per day — roughly one every second or two! Most of them merely flit through our minds momentarily, without us following the train of thought for very long (or at all) — like clouds that float briefly into and then back out of our peripheral vision, without us turning to follow them.

Thank goodness we DON’T follow every thought!

Can you imagine being pulled in a new direction every second or two? It would be like jumping onto every single ride at the carnival, just because a carnie called out to you about it!

Of course, just like the rides, there are many thoughts that we DO want to follow — flashes of inspiration, pleasing memories, or any subject that makes us feel good to think about. So we can choose to pay attention to these thoughts, explore them further, and enjoy the mental-emotional ride they take us on!

But there are many other thoughts that we DON’T want to follow up on — because, just like unpleasant carnival rides, we know how they make us feel.

If you’ve been on the Tilt-A-Whirl many times before — and every time you feel sick to your stomach (while you’re on it and perhaps for a long time afterwards) — you might want to consider not getting on that ride again. You’ve been there, and you know it’s just not worth going back.

But just because a carnie beckons (or pressures you or offers you a free ride) doesn’t mean you have to get on the ride!

A carnie’s call or a passing thought can’t hurt you…unless you follow it!

You don’t have to fear a carnie’s call from a ride you dislike. You don’t have to run over to them and yell, “Cancel! Cancel!” — or explain why you don’t like the ride or try to get the carnival management to shut down the ride altogether. (After all, it might be someone else’s favorite!)

You just have to NOT get on the ride!

Likewise, you don’t have to worry about a fleeting negative thought. Sure, if you follow it, you might end up feeling like you’ve taken a ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl: spinning round and round, going nowhere, and ending up feeling sick to your stomach — and maybe even kicking yourself afterwards for falling into the same old predictable thought-pattern.

But you have another choice: You can learn from your past experience what thoughts do and don’t feel good to “ride.” And when you notice one that doesn’t feel good, you can simply walk on by — just like you’d walk past a carnie calling out about a ride you don’t like.

And eventually you’ll find a ride or a game or a thought that you DO want to pursue. And then you can consciously choose to follow that call — and ride the Ferris Wheel or the Tunnel of Love or any other ride/thought that appeals to you.

Remember: You choose what to follow!

Just like the carnival, you can’t choose what rides or games are there. You can’t choose which carnies you hear calling out to you. You can’t choose every thought that drifts through your mind. But you CAN choose which ones to follow — to “get on board” with and give your sustained attention to.

And that is your greatest source of strength, power, and freedom — the freedom to choose what you focus on, what activities you pursue, and which thoughts you follow (or don’t). That’s what makes your life your own. That’s what makes you YOU!

And that’s what can make your life as joyful as a day at the carnival.

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If your thoughts were carnies calling out to you, which ones would you want to follow? Which thoughts would you want to “ride” — and which ones would you rather walk on past…and move on to something more appealing?