I was recently talking with a friend who was weighed down by some pretty serious challenges with her family, her business, and her health. “I feel like I’m carrying around 100 pounds of bricks,” she told me.
My first inclination was to try to fix it — to make her feel all better. I wanted her to feel free and weightless — as if she were walking on air, bursting with joy!
So I started suggesting that she focus on joy — thinking about all the things she loved, felt grateful for, and filled her with vitality and zest for life. Approximately three seconds into this pep talk, however, her glazing-over eyes told me that this was not the right approach for her situation.
In retrospect, it’s easy to see why. Telling someone who’s buried under a mountain of difficulties that they should snap out of it and just get happy is about as helpful — and unrealistic — as telling someone who’s stuck in a ditch that they should be dancing on a mountaintop, singing “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” at the top of their lungs. It ain’t gonna happen, and even just suggesting it is likely to make them feel worse (and might even get you smacked if you’re too pushy about it).
Fortunately, I didn’t get smacked — mainly because we were talking via Skype, but also because I quickly changed to a new approach: rather than trying to go straight from feeling buried under 100 pounds of bricks to dancing on air, I encouraged her to simply take one step in the right direction — to go from carrying 100 pounds of bricks to carrying 99 pounds.
So, how do you go from 100 pounds of bricks to 99?
You “try on” different thoughts — just as if you were in a clothing store, trying on different outfits. Some of them feel tight, some are too loose, and some just aren’t you. But if you try on enough thoughts, you’ll eventually find one that feels right.
And what does the “right” thought feel like?
One that makes you feel RELIEF. One that makes you exhale. One that makes you feel even a little bit lighter — not necessarily all the way from carrying 100 pounds to carrying nothing, but perhaps going from 100 pounds to 99.
For my friend, one thought that felt better was that she didn’t have to make any major business decisions right in that moment. She could set aside the question that was weighing on her and address it later, when she felt inspired. It would be there waiting for her when the time felt right.
Phew! One brick removed!
Regarding her health, it felt better to give herself a little bit more self-care, to not push quite so hard, and certainly not to beat herself up for not feeling 100% — while knowing that, sooner or later, her health would improve. In the meantime, she could enjoy a slightly slower pace.
Phew! Another brick removed!
(And so on.)
No, she did not remove all the “bricks” by the end of our hour-long chat. Nor was she bouncing around the room with joy. But she took a few steps in the right direction. She removed a few bricks. She felt a little bit lighter.
And she felt something else that she hadn’t felt when we started talking: hope.
…
How about you? Do you ever feel like you’re carrying around 100 pounds of bricks (or even just one or two)? Rather than trying to drop the whole load at once, how can you put down a “brick” or two? What thoughts could you “try on” that might help you feel even a bit of relief, a bit lighter, or a bit more hopeful?
Wow, I am pretty sure we did not talk via skype, however the feeling of carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders is exactly how I feel for all the same reasons my health, family, and business adventures. Thank you Dan for your clever insight. I appreciate all that you are and do, and I am grateful and feel blessed to have found you and the lovely and very beautiful Jodi Chapman along my path.
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Great post and wonderful reminder that there’s always Something we can do to help ourselves! I’ve been focusing a lot on just becoming aware of the negative self-criticism I through at myself daily. I’m not trying to change it all at once, but at least by noticing how often it comes up, I’ll eventually be able to transform it to positive self-talk. That’s the goal anyway. 🙂
I related so much to your post, and I’m sure many others could too. Recently I was down in the dumps, which isn’t my usual demeanor. Like your friend, I’d had a lot going on in just about every area of my life. I visited some friends and unfortunately they tried the exact same “happy, happy, joy, joy” approach with me. Needless to say it didn’t work.
As someone who has been an avid fan of Abraham-Hicks for sometime, I just knew I couldn’t get “from there to there” as they say on my emotional scale. There was no way I could jump from my borderline depression to appreciation. Instead, I had to incrementally “reach for relief”. I too began removing my bricks, one at a time, one thought of relief at a time. A day later, I was starting to feel better. Now I am back to my usual bright, bubbly, positive self.
I know there will be other times that I will slide back down the scale (as we all do occasionally), but now I feel confident in my relief finding strategy to bring me back…slowly, steadily and with complete compassion for myself.
I meant to add that one of my thoughts of relief was “this too shall pass”. An oldie but a goodie when it comes to helping you see the light at the end of the tunnel. To support yourself in knowing that the negative feeling won’t last forever, or maybe even that long, can be the comfort you need.